mandapants

Hi,

I don't really use this thing anymore. Sometimes I think about things. It's an absolute trip to think that I will be forty next year. I feel like, in many ways, living life forward is the only way. And that is kind of sad. I was just thinking a whole bunch of things before, and I don't know if I was able to fully matriculate them into anything that resembles actual thought, moreover, simply perusing the idea of a past that might have existed to me at some point but is largely just thin air and pathological thinking. My cat us purring like crazy on my lap, she has been waiting to sit in front of the heater for like maybe an hour so, she is loving it. I feel like, I have never really 'gotten' people, I grasp them in the sense that, I know what they are and how they're supposed to work but mostly, just not 'gotten'. I pretty much gave up on relationships in 2004. I suppose, I just resigned myself to the idea that, I might never 'get' people and the best I could suffice to manage was harm in interjection. I find myself, more and more, trying to have nothing to do with people and I mean, it's a philosophical choice. I kind of wonder, what that means for me... I remember, I once had this friend who said, she imagined me in a future hermitude... she said she dreamed of being a hermit herself and one day, I never heard from her again. I don't expect after fourteen years that you will ever look at this so, in a way, it's a testament in the form of a kind of capsule. I think I tried to send an email to 'areyoualocal' a couple of years ago... I can't remember what I said, it was probably uninspiring. Life, is immense, I think of the small things that I have given myself and I come to realise that, there is a deep gorge between what we imagine is necessary and what is sacred. Perhaps the retrograde sentiment of a madman or worse, an old man. I had thought I might have something interesting to leave here but apparently all the things that I thought were special about me, in the eyes of most people are either threatening or things to depose. I have twenty years of empty thoughts that need a place to rest, but despite that fact, this is not probably the best place for them. Suffice to say sometimes I still make art.